now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
