ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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