he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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