Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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