my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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