yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
