how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
