Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
