So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i love accidental penises.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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