My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize