If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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