I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
