She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
