I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
