The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
