Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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