dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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