I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
