i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
