Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
