just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
