dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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