After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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