ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
