My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
