Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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