I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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