She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
