you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
