First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
