Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
