I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
