I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
