did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize