yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
