When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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