I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
