My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
