I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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