Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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