i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
