happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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