I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
