There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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