i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize