i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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