Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
