I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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