She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize