Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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