Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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