The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
