Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
