I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
