I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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