Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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