If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
being pregnant is like rehab
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
