NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
