It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
