my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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