Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
