Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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