i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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