I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
