Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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