What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it's like iHOP with fire
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
