Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
