capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
